Over the last 11 months I really feel that I’ve lost myself a bit. Emelia doesn’t allow me to have much “me” time at all as she’s never been much of a napper nor much of a sleeper at night. But over the last few weeks we seem to have got her into a rather good routine (I’ve never specified any times for naps, I’ve let her do her own thing since she was born) and it’s starting to work well for me and Ben.
So now I have a bit of me time, it’s time to get me back.
She was baking in my belly for 9 months and I’m very proud to say I am still breastfeeding her 11 months later but when her Birthday arrives on the 28th January I plan on stopping. Even just writing that makes me feel emotional. The time has come though; I need my body back now.
PCOS still rules my body and instead of me losing weight whilst breastfeeding her I have been gaining weight again. It gets confused with its insulin resistance and decides it needs to keep hold of all sugars and carbs that I consume as it knows I am still feeding my baby. I have tried a few diets whilst breastfeeding which allow me to lose 5lb or so in a week or two then a slice of cake tempts me and it’s all gone back on again!
I have to get myself back, I have to lose my “baby weight” as my body confidence is rock bottom which is making me feel terrible. I’m currently unemployed because my last employer declined my flexible working request so I feel extremely anxious looking, applying and interviewing for jobs. Being bigger than I want to be only makes me feel worse.
So I have planned, prepared and purchased beautiful healthy food so I can make wonderful meals at home from this evening’s dinner and for however long it’ll take me to get confident again.
Blogging makes me feel more me so I’m going to blog more.
Taking photo’s of my food fuels my next meal choice and makes me excited about cooking and baking again – something I did a lot more of before Emelia arrived.
Signwriting makes me feel alive! Any crafting makes me feel amazing and I’ve made time this Christmas holiday to do some and my soul feels nourished from it. I’ve decided to do more.