I had an ectopic, but it wasn’t as bad as a miscarriage (in my opinion)

Never holding the baby you carried is tough, you never met them, never got to hold them, never got to smell them or kiss them, tuck them in bed at night, fed them or bathed them. But over time it doesn’t hurt as much and in my case, it could have been so much worse.    We got pregnant the night of the 28th December 2013, I knew because the morning after, I felt it, I knew it, I was pregnant! So waiting the agonising few weeks until I could pee on that stick was annoying, as I knew I was already! However, getting a stick to confirm I was pregnant was a big problem too! I tried 5, 3 different types before it said yes and even though I was sure I was really freaked out that it wasn’t showing straight away. I had to wait an extra 10 days until that stick said Pregnant on it. We decided to tell the parents straight away, we were about 5 weeks then and on the Friday we went over to my Dad and Stepmums and Bens parents houses to let them know, then we told our Brothers and Sister. 5 days later I started bleeding, just a little bit and called the Doctor from work; they wanted me in ASAP to have a scan and see what was happening – I was a complete mess at my desk, totally scared to death and spent hours rubbing my bloated belly telling it I wanted my baby to stay in there, it was safer to stay in there and I really, really wanted to meet them. I had an external scan but as I had a bit too much belly fat (and I was only 5 weeks) they couldn’t get a good enough picture so dildocam was used instead (weird things and to make it worse they put a condom on it!) They found a mass in my right tube and asked how I was feeling – headaches? Stomach ache? Had I fallen over? Light headed? The questions kept coming and I remembered when I had got out of my car a few days before I had had an INCREDIBLE stabbing pain low down on my right side, so bad I had to stop walking for a minute or so and to take a few deep breaths to calm me down. I told them about that not realising that was bad news which confirmed what they already seemed to know. My scans were showing a mass in my right tube and they wanted to see if it would clear itself or if they needed to go in and get it out themselves. They wanted to leave me for a few days to see what my body did and asked I came back in the next week. They told me to look for signs of internal bleeding as I would probably get a stabbing pain when I lied on my back in bed and it would be on the tip of my shoulder, probably the right one – that would be the worse news. Except for the fact that we obviously knew our baby was never going to be born. A few days later I woke up early with shoulder tip pain. Fearing the worst we went straight to A&E on the Monday morning and were rushed past everyone else there – the stares are always funny as everyone imagines why a girl who looks just fine gets to go in before them! My HCG levels were checked (for the billionth time!), they gave me some water, asked me if I’d eaten anything and put one of those horrible things in my arm just incase they needed to rush me into surgery. I was SHIT SCARED. So scared I couldn’t stop shaking, went an odd grey colour and there was total fear in my eyes. Hours of testing confirmed I wasn’t bleeding internally and after lots of pulling and pushing the doctor sent me on my way – he had dislodged it himself and he was pretty certain I would be OK in a few days time. I couldn’t stand up, I couldn’t sit down, I was in agony and I was losing my baby and the mental and physical pain was exhausting. I spent the next 2 days feeling numb, eating chocolate and crying, lots and lots of crying and came back to work on the Thursday of that week. I was bored at home, bored of wallowing in my own self pity and I needed to go back to normality. 3 days is not enough, if this ever happens again or if it ever happens to you take a least a week off. I feel embarrassed to say that it hadn’t really crossed my mind that my husband might be feeling worse than I was until a few days later – we were losing our baby, but if I was bleeding internally and they couldn’t stop it, he could lose me too. I suppose when it’s your body you just go within yourself a bit and deal with it when everyone around you pretends to be OK with it all yet feel totally broken inside. It hit him harder then me in the following few days and he was dog ill with a really, really bad cold – it was all coming out; all that pain, all that fear, all of it being strong for me had attacked his body and he couldn’t go back to work that week. The thing I found tough was for another 6-7 weeks I went to have my HCG levels checked every Monday – as if losing the baby wasn’t enough, they had to check the baby was all gone and my levels were just not coming back down. Once that was over we felt we could grieve just a little more. We had a relaxing weekend away which really brought us together and the whole situation has brought me and hubby closer – we both lost a child last year and we both know how that feels. We are stronger than we ever were before and we love each other even more, if that’s even possible! My story might sound awful but it wasn’t as bad as a miscarriage, in my opinion. My baby never made it’s way to my womb, I never needed to deliver the baby AND the placenta – and if I did I’m not sure I would be in such a positive state of mind now. I cannot imagine having to do that, especially if I was further on in the pregnancy than 6 weeks. If you have and you are reading this, I am so so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine it must have been horrific and extremely tough for you and I send you as much love and hugs from one woman to another that I can from you reading this page. I hope my story can give you hope if you are in a similar place as I am or I was. So many wonderful ladies have contacted me over Facebook and shared their stories with me and it’s empowering to know women are slowly realising it’s OK to talk about it. It helps us to know that others have gone through tough times too and come out the other side, with a baby (or four in some cases) and that gives me hope that one day I can join them, in also becoming a Mummy. I totally believe this is the journey I am meant to take, even though sometimes I feel it is unfair, I know in the long run, this is exactly where I am meant to be. With Love, C x   

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